Obstaja ljubezen, ki je večna, ampak tudi najtežja, in to je ljubezen do sebe. Nekako nas večina tega ne izpopolnjuje in ne razmišlja o tem, ampak pluje skozi življenje s seboj, kot da ne bi bili mi, ampak nekakšna sovoznica, ki ji dajemo napotke, kako in kaj narediti, da bo bolj privlačna svetu okoli nas.
Predolgo časa nisem razmišljala o tem, koliko in ali sploh imam sebe rada. Pa komu lažem? Predolgo sploh nisem razmišljala o sebi, ker so mi bile pomembne neke druge ljubezni, ljubezni ljudi okoli sebe, ljubljenih bitij in celo tistih nepomembnih, ki so se občasno pojavljali v mojem življenju. Svojo vrednost sem merila po svojem odsevu v njihovem očesu in vredna sem bila toliko, kot so oni mislili, da sem. Nekateri so mislili, da sem nič, nekateri so me dvigovali v nebesa in me oboževali ter me potem pustili samo, da samevam in se krivim, nekaterim sem bila običajna, nekaterim nezanimiva in dolgočasna.
Bila sem vse, kar so želeli, ampak nisem bila Jaz
Po nekaj padcih sebe v tujih očeh sem dojela, da ni pomembno, kdo in koliko te ima rad, če se nimaš sama rada, če ne prepoznaš svojih kvalitet in lepote, ki jo skrivaš v sebi. Kako potem pričakuješ, da se boš predstavila svetu in jim vsiljevala način ljubezni, ki ga potrebuješ, če pa lačna ljubezni sprejemaš drobtine tistega, kar ti ponujajo in se prepričuješ, da je to dovolj?
Dolga leta sem svojo vrednost merila v nekih drugih merilih in se prilegala tujim kalupom, dokler me niso prizadela tuja pričakovanja.
Dolga leta sem svojo vrednost merila v nekih drugih merilih in se prilegala tujim kalupom, dokler me niso prizadela tuja pričakovanja. Oseba v meni je jokala, ker sem jo tako globoko zaprla vase, da sem zadušila njeno individualnost, v poskusih izpolnjevanja tujih potreb in zahtev, in to je nekaj, za kar sem potrebovala veliko časa, da sem si oprostila. Bila sem vse, kar so želeli, ampak nisem bila Jaz. Kako žalostno bitje človeškega obstoja sem postala. Prodala sem se za pest ničesar.
In potem, kot sem že velikokrat pisala, je pred nekaj leti prišlo do spremembe, v neprespanih nočeh, ko nimaš ničesar drugega početi, kot da najdeš toliko poguma, da se poglobiš vase, v najbolj mračna brezna svojega obstoja, v katera sem potisnila in zaklenila vse, kar sem želela skriti pred drugimi. V enem takšnem spustu sem se v mraku svojega bitja zanesla samo nase.
Tisto resnično takšno, kot sem bila nekoč, preden sem se prilagodila ljudem. Ležala sem v mračnih breznih moje duše, krvava, nemočna in razočarana, kaj sem si storila. Veste, ljudem večinoma niso potrebni sovražniki, mi smo največja poguba sami sebi, ne da bi to sploh vedeli. Te noči sem se dvignila s tal in začela proces ozdravitve tiste osebe, ki je nikoli ne bi smela prizadeti.
Pa ti? Ceniš svojo vrednost?
Ne prizadenite sebe zaradi potrditev v očeh tistih, ki nikoli ne bodo razumeli vašega bistva, hrepenenja in navdušenja, ampak bodo v vas vedno videli, kar potrebujejo in to zahtevali od vas. Oplemenitite svoje življenje z ljudmi, ki bodo objeli vaše pomanjkljivosti enako kot vaše vrline, pred katerimi boste odstranili maske, a oni vam bodo rekli, da ste takšni še lepši in posebni.
Najdite duše, ki odgovarjajo vaši duši, ustvarite si »pleme« tistih, pred katerimi boste resnično vi in oni bodo oni brez sramu in videli boste, kako je življenje enostavno, kajti s takimi ljudmi so tudi najtežji dnevi in najtemnejše ure in najhujši časi lažji in manj boleči, ker ne samo, da se podobni veseli podobnega, ampak podoben podobnemu pomaga v nesreči.
Pa ti? Ceniš svojo vrednost in svojo integriteto? Se zavedaš svoje redkosti, svoje posebnosti?
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